I don’t feel like it

Determination is not a permanent state of being.

When you have no choices, you never question what you’re doing. (Image by Tom)

I was making so many videos that it seemed like I would never stop making videos.

I had so much momentum.

And then, one day, a couple of weeks ago, I did stop.

There was a trip to prepare for, and then the actual travel.

There was a mountain of email to climb.

But even when I finally had the opportunity to resume making videos, I didn’t. I did other things instead. I didn’t feel like making videos, so I didn’t.

And you could say that this is a problem. A weakness of character. You could say, like the hustle bros do, that success is based on willingness to stick with things whether or not you feel like doing them. Sure.

But that defines success very narrowly and assumes that sticking with the thing is what will deliver that success. In reality, life is more complicated than that: Not all actions will bring you closer to the outcome you want, and perseverance is not universally desirable. It can be pointed in the wrong direction or spent on the wrong activity.

At this point in my life, I can depend on my ability to persist through discomfort. I have become suspicious of that ability. Where the hustle bros’ advice might be appropriate for a person who hides behind inaction, I have become a person who can hide behind action without regard for whether the action is truly necessary or useful. So it’s important for me to periodically reassess.

This reassessment often begins as resistance. I don’t feel like doing something. I can push myself to do it anyway, which is often necessary (going to bed on time, feeding my family, putting my toys away when I’m done using them).

But sometimes, pushing doesn’t make it better. I press on grimly, dutifully, and the resistance just gets worse. It’s a fundamental misalignment, like trying to move forward in the wrong gear, or to screw on a cap without threading it properly. Forcing will not improve the situation.

On the other hand, if I let myself stop, the resistance disappears. Where does the energy go? I will often be surprised at what I gravitate toward. For the past couple of weeks, when I am not caring for my children, my time has been spent following up with prospective clients, decluttering my home, and getting extra sleep.

These are not glamorous things. These are things that usually bring their own resistance. So when those same things feel aligned, I trust that impulse.

The success I’m ultimately looking for is a sense of freedom. Not the freedom to be fully released from obligation — due to my life choices (marriage, children, participation in society), I probably will not have that freedom until I’m dead. No, all I need is the freedom to choose how to spend a given hour.

There are times when intense determination is the move — when I must become the magnifying glass that can focus the rays of the sun to a single point. But it is a move, not a permanent state of being. Some of our most admired hustle bro friends need to learn that lesson, lest their “success” become isolation, delusions of grandeur, or an impulse to set fire to it all.

To me, success means allowing other moves to be on the menu. To be able to do what I feel like doing, when I have a choice about it. To be able to direct my focus where it will give me the most value today, not just for the long term (or where I might have thought would be most valuable long term as of yesterday).

I believe in my own willingness to work hard. I have been repeatedly steamrolled by my own willingness to work hard. So when I hear myself say, “I don’t feel like it,” I listen and respond. I’ve earned that privilege.

Maybe you have, too.